This is Adam Frazier, and you’re reading The Cynical Optimist. What is the purpose of this column, you may ask? The Cynical Optimist promotes the analytical discussion of film and entertainment news, while weighing the good with the bad.

Will it be filled with unfair, exaggerated commentary? Well, it’s possible – we’re all passionate about certain specifics, things we’ll fight for no matter what. There are other things, whether it be certain directors, actors or film franchises, which we are clearly biased against. It’s useless to pretend, for even a second, that objectivity or neutrality exists in the film community.

In this column you’ll find scornful rants on Hollywood news and rumors I find preposterous, as well as some glowing recommendations on things I found extremely worthwhile. You’ll get film and DVD reviews, “second opinions” to reviews by Clint or other members of the staff. There’s some trivia, maybe some tributes, but always a fond love and passion for whatever I’m talking about.

In this edition of The Cynical Optimist, I’ll remember Stan Winston – a genius whose vast contributions to cinema are too innumerable to mention. Next I’ll present something kind of different – a short narrative story (that’s hopefully fictional) about Hollywood’s mindset and the recent announcement of a “Robocop” remake.

I’ve got a review for “The Happening,” as well as a handful of recommendations and your typical dose of “Did You Know?” trivia. So, before you click off this editorial and go back to searching for those nude Megan Fox photographs, WELCOME BACK to The Cynical Optimist:

A Legend Who Created Legends…

“People who are afraid to go to horror movies are generally afraid their whole lives. People say to me, 'Do you have nightmares?' I never have nightmares! And I go to movies and see the most bizarre things in the world, and go... Wow that is really sick, how fun is that! And I don't have to carry it around. I think that's very healthy." -- Stan Winston (1946-2008)

Ever since I was a small child, I’ve been fascinated by monsters and creatures – as most young boys are. Mind-blowing cinematic escapes like “Star Wars,” “Terminator 2: Judgment Day” and “Aliens” fueled my imagination with images of cybernetic assassins from the future, deadly xenomorphs with acid for blood, and a cantina on Tatooine filled with hundreds of different creatures from all corners of the galaxy.

The first time I watched “Predator,” on cable with all the good parts cut out, I watched all the way to the end credits just to see who had been responsible for creating such a cool looking monster. I saw this name, Stan Winston, and I began to piece together other films he had done. I realized he created the Terminator – designed the Queen Alien for “Aliens,” and redesigned Universal’s classic monsters in the cult favorite, “Monster Squad.”

Growing up, I took every opportunity to watch behind-the-scenes specials on television that showed Stan Winston at work. Sometimes it was just a 5-minute segment on Entertainment Tonight, where Stan would be giving a tour of his fantastical studio. Others were wonderful documentaries that went in-depth about the filmmaking process, and Stan’s contributions to it.

I remember right before “Jurassic Park” came out, I saw Stan Winston and Steven Spielberg on television talking in great detail about how they made the dinosaurs. It was a blend of computer effects, but also the wonderful puppets and full-scale models that Stan Winston had made.

I was in awe, watching the images flicker before my eyes. Stan Winston was basically putting my childhood’s infinite imagination for dinosaurs and making it tangible and accessible. Stan Winston, along with other special effects giants Phil Tippet and Dennis Murren, was as big of a movie star as the actors in the actual films.

He shaped the imaginations and passions of millions of moviegoers – creating genius designs and flawless physical effects that brought the magic of movies to life. I envied Stan Winston. I mean, lets face it - he had the coolest job in the world! Here was a guy that got to live inside his own imagination and create cool looking creatures for a living.

Cinema has suffered a great loss with the passing of Stan Winston. He will be remembered for creating some of the most unforgettable special effects in cinematic history and creating some of the most iconic characters to ever grace the screen.

One thing is for sure, the movies just won’t look as good without him.

“How I Remade 'Robocop' and saved Hollywood"

Thousands of them, the ravenous masses of the undead, stand in huddled masses. Groans crawl slowly up their rotting gullets as stiff, gnarled fingers press against the bloodstained glass of a palatial high rise in glitzy, glamorous Hollywood.

They stagger about with bloodshot eyes, gazing up at the skyscraper’s summit, stretching out in desperation for nourishment. Those on the outskirts of this meeting of the living dead, drag their knotted and broken feet – inching closer and closer to what they hope is a free handout.

From his cozy office, a Hollywood executive looks down on his target audience – a mindless horde of mouths to feed. They hold signs high above their heads, desperate pleas written in a big bold letters. “Bring on Alien Vs. Predator 3!” one says in bright red text. Another, covered in sparkles and glitter, proclaims, “14 Going on 40, PLEASE!”

The man smiles and turns away from the window, walking back to a conference room filled with other such executives. “Ladies and Gentlemen,” he so humbly begins, “proud producers and businessmen of Hollywood, I am pleased to announce our tentative schedule for this fiscal year.”

The men and women around the table, decked out in their power suits and pencil skirts, gleefully applause. “It’s simple, we’re just going to remake every film that was ever distributed in the ‘80s.” There is a sudden silence, and an awkward uncertainty quickly spreads across the entire room.

A lowly junior exec raises his hand and timidly asks, “But, sir, wouldn’t that in fact halt any progress the industry has been making?” The boss loosens his tie, an obvious look of frustration crawls across his face. “Who let this guy in here? What’s not to love? We don’t have to spend any time trying to be original or creative – we simply hire someone to rewrite a script that’s been collecting dust for 20 years and we shoot it on the cheap with no-name actors.”

A slow nod of approval spreads throughout the room – people are catching on. “For starters, we’re going to rejuvenate the “Terminator” series. The breakthrough success of ‘The Sarah Connor Chronicles’ is indisputable proof that the public is ready for the franchise to come back to the big screen.”

The corporate cesspool replies with resounding hums of agreeability. The sounds of pens and pencils jotting against paper can be heard as execs frantically take notes. “So, I thought we’d go ahead and do a trilogy – you know, sign someone like Christian Bale into a 3-movie deal, and instead of forkin’ out the big bucks to creator James Cameron, we’ll go with McG – you know, that visionary who made the ‘Charlie’s Angels’ flicks!”

“And then, get ready for this, we’re going to ‘reimagine’ the 1987 picture, “Robocop!’” Several perplexed execs tilt their head to the side, not so sure what to think. “After seeing how impressive ‘Iron Man’ was at the theater, it's obvious that audiences want to see more guys in metal suits – and what better way to reach this key demographic than breathe new life into a tired old franchise that most youngsters have never even heard of in the first place!”

"That's right - we're going to get someone like Uwe Boll or Paul W.S. Anderson to helm this one. We really wanted McG - but as we all know, he's already attached to 'Terminator' so we'll have to make do with what we have. I've made sure that no one who was involved with the original film will be working on this one to ensure that it is completely original - minus the fact that it's a retread, of course."

"We're going to take that tired old suit that Peter Weller wore in the original and make a completely CGI creation, as well as a new ED-209 for him to fight against a completely digital background. I'm talking green screens people - THE FUTURE!"

Our ringleader pounds his fist against the table. "Half Man. Half Machine. ALL PROFIT!"

He turns back to his fellow exploiters - the manipulative elite of Hollywood, who clap as if it’s a state of the union address. A devilish smile creeps across his face. “And that, my friends, is only the beginning. After the new ‘Terminator’ trilogy takes the world by storm, and ‘Robocop’ is fresh on the lips of moviegoers, we’ll bring them what they’ve always wanted… yes, “Robocop Vs. Terminator.”

Gasps fill the room. There is a sort of spiritual reawakening going on here. “They made comic books about it! And we all know people love comic book movies!” You can tell this is our ringleader’s big opus; he’s really gearing up for something.

“Look at how great ‘Freddy Vs. Jason’ was, or the ‘Alien Vs. Predator’ spin-off films even! People are dying to see ‘RVT’ – they just don’t know it yet!” And as I said, this is only the tip of the iceberg people!”

“In my dreams I see wonderful remakes of all the old classic films we haven’t yet exploited! I see ‘Casablanca,’ starring Channing Tatum and Jessica Alba, targeted toward the urban demographic, with a soundtrack by Timabland. Think ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ meets “Step Up 2: The Streets.”

“A political thriller, perhaps? What about a ‘re-envisioning’ of ‘All the President’s Men’ starring Paul Walker and Vin Diesel as Woodward and Bernstein? We’ll get on the phone with Platinum Dunes and begin cannibalizing every classic horror film while we're at it. It starts with ‘Rosemary’s Baby,’ but before you know it we’ll have cheap remakes of ‘The Exorcist,’ ‘The Birds,’ ‘Alien,’ and even ‘Halloween.’”

A woman in a pantsuit raises her hand. “There’s already a remake of ‘Halloween,” I believe sir. Rob Zombie did it.” He waves her off. “Okay, we’ll wait 5 years and remake THAT remake! We can’t lose!” While we wait, we can suck the life out of those other slasher franchises like ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’ and Friday the 13th.'"

"And you know what, my dear friends and coworkers, I believe that some day we will be the proud and glowing folks responsible for recreating 'The Wizard of Oz,' 'Citizen Kane' and maybe, if we’re lucky, a star-studded reimagining of 'Gone With the Wind!'”

An inspired gentleman at the table chimes in. “And lets not forget DVDs! We can make several direct-to-DVD budget titles that are sure to trick people into believing they’re actually worth buying!”

“Yes! Exactly! Good work Johnson!” The leader of the pack is impressed with his team’s sudden jolt of insight. “We can make all the ‘Prom Night’ sequels we want, and no one will stop us!”

There is a resounding boom of applause throughout the conference room. The ringleader walks over to a console at the head of the room and presses a large red button. Down below, back on the street where the undead stand waiting, a chute opens beside the big double-doors of the office building.

Wrapped in plastic, wondrous DVDs fall out like coins from a slot machine. ‘Starship Troopers 3’ and ‘War Games 2” (Hey! Watch it - Ed) slide out among the other budget titles. The ravenous hordes gather around, ensuing a riot. They trample over one another, mindless buzzards picking at the scraps of the mighty corporate machine’s kill.

A member of the living dead, too tired to scramble for the treasures laid before him, holds his sign higher, pleading it will be read. “Robocop Vs. Terminator!” it says.

Did You Know?

In Sacramento, California a robbery suspect fled into a darkened movie theatre to escape pursuing police. He became so engrossed in the movie playing on screen, "Robocop," that he failed to notice the police had evacuated all other patrons from the theatre. When the lights flipped on, the stunned man was taken into custody.

In "Terminator 2: Judgment Day," for Sarah's nightmare of the nuclear holocaust, some of the materials used in the miniature Los Angeles model that mimicked all the destroyed masonry were Matzos crackers and Shredded Wheat.

Ang Lee turned down “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines” to direct “The Hulk,” which holds the record for largest second weekend box office drop for a film that opened at #1, with a -69.7% drop.

M. Night Shyamalan’s “The Happening” took 44 days to shoot, which began on August 6, 2007. This is exactly nine years to the day since the start of production of The Sixth Sense (1999). Interestingly enough, the film was shot completely in sequence.

Recommendations

Go out right now and pick up The Winston Effect: The Art & History of Stan Winston Studio, a wonderful hardcover book that details the creation of some of Hollywood's greatest, most iconic, creations.

Less Than Jake’s latest album, GNV FLA, hits stores on June 24th. Head on over to their official website to check out their first single, “Does the Lion City Still Roar?”

Speaking of lions, check out Pride of Baghdad, written by Brian K. Vaughan and illustrated by Niko Henrichon. The story is a fictionalized account of the true story of four lions that escaped from the Baghdad zoo after an American bombing in 2003.

If you haven’t seen the incredible trailer for “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button,” the new film by David Fincher, then please check it out in glorious high-definition via Apple Trailers.

Sign Off

O.K. guys, that's all for me for this week! Welcome back to the new-and-improved Moviehole and thanks for reading. I hope this edition of The Cynical Optimist was up to your very high tastes and standards.

As always, email questions, comments and concerns to thefraze@gmail.com