Oh man, you better get psyched, because I have a jam-packed column of “The Cynical Optimist” for you this week. First I’ll talk about “Masters of the Universe” and the recent script review. Then I’m going to dish out my thoughts on the “Dark Shadows” film, while also offering up a review of “The Strangers” and some haphazard rants. And as always, I’ll finish up the column with some trivia and recommendations.

Enjoy!

“Masters of the Universe”

“Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword and said, ‘By the power of Grayskull!’"

That’s all it takes for cowardly Prince Adam, that weakling in lavender tights, to transform into the burly, loincloth-wearing powerhouse known as He-Man. For those of you who didn’t grow up with the classic ‘80s cartoon, He-Man is the most powerful man in the universe – yes, you read correct right, the entire universe.

“Masters of the Universe,” takes place in Eternia, a land of magic, myth and fantasy. The story focuses on Prince Adam, the young son of Eternia's rulers, King Randor and Queen Marlena. Peers look at Prince Adam as a disappointing waste of potential. He, along with his faithful cat Cringer, lacks courage and generally shies away from anything requiring gallantry. Did I mention Adam’s attire of choice is a pink-and-white tunic with periwinkle tights?

Right now you’re asking yourself, “How could this guy possibly be the strongest man in the universe?” but the answer is quite simple. Prince Adam possesses the Power Sword, and when he holds it aloft and says, "By the Power of Grayskull!" he is transformed into He-Man. And to top that off, his cat Cringer becomes the mighty Battle Cat! A huge green and yellow striped beast with a saddle and some body armor! How awesome is that?

So what does the most powerful man in the universe do exactly? Well, he pulverizes mountains with his fists, turns diamonds into dust with a squeeze of his hand, and defends Eternia against arch-nemesis Skeletor.

Ah, Skeletor – one of my favorite all-time baddies - now here’s a guy with style. He’s got blue skin, a purple loincloth and hood, and a yellow skull for a face. In the vein of such classic bad guys as Doctor Doom and Darth Vader, Skeletor is a megalomaniacal villain who just happens to have aspirations for Eternian domination. He was the best – he had this ridiculous cackle and carried a Ram’s Skull staff – all while yelling in disgust at his blundering band of cronies that constantly let He-Man slip through their clawed fingers.

There were tons of characters - He-Man had the Masters of the Universe (good guys), which consisted of some pretty sweet characters like Man-At-Arms, Orko, Mekanek, Zodak, Stratos and Teela, who was smokin’ hot.

To battle He-Man’s allies, Skeletor amassed an army of beastly men and nasty creatures. There was the seductress Evil Lynn, Trap-Jaw, Tri-Klops, Beast Man, Mer-Man and Skeletor’s purple cat, Panthor.

The cartoon series combined elements of magic and fantasy with science fiction. There was some pretty crazy technology at play in Eternia, including laser swords and blasters, along with all matter of ridiculous looking vehicles. The character designs were gnarly – and so what if the cartoon was nothing more than a glorified commercial for the Mattel action figure line – IT WAS AWESOME!

This brings me to the recently reviewed script for the new live-action adaptation of “Masters of the Universe.” The script, penned by Justin Marks, is said to be a fanboy’s dream – a masterpiece even. El Mayimbe of Latino Review describes “Grayskull: Masters of the Universe” as a mix of “Lord of the Rings,” “The Matrix” and “Batman Begins.”

He goes on to say the script has no campy kid’s stuff in it either. Apparently this adaptation of “Masters of the Universe” will be an edgy PG-13, which sounds great. It’s unfortunate though, that Orko won’t be involved. He was a very comical, Jar Jar Binks-like character in the cartoon – but could have been transformed into a dark mystical figure in the film. Oh well.

The story seems to focus on the origins of He-Man and Skeletor, as well as the Sword of Power. Sounds great! I can’t wait to see a real “He-Man” movie that takes place in Eternia, not Earth like that pitiful 1987 attempt that starred Dolph Lundgren and Courteney Cox.

Not only does it take place in Eternia, but also has a ton of characters from the cartoon – including BATTLE CAT and PANTHOR! Um, can we say awesome? My mind is already going nuts dreaming up battles that involve He-Man and Skeletor on their respective mounts.

Do yourself a favor and check out El Mayimbe’s review of the script, because it sounds like a dream come true for “Masters of the Universe” fans. I regret, however, that I do feel a slight twinge of cynicism with this project. A wonderful script is a great start, but what this film really needs is brilliant direction, great casting and the power of a big effects house like Industrial Light & Magic behind it.

My two cents? Gore Verbinski would be the perfect director for this potential trilogy of “He-Man” movies. He did a great job with the “Pirates of the Caribbean” series and this seems right up his alley. While I’m eager to see what he does with “Bioshock,” I’d love for him to make a play for this film.

As for casting, who knows? Jason Lewis of “Sex in the City” would be a great choice for He-Man, I think. I know rumors have placed Brad Pitt in contention for the role, but he seems a little too old (no offense Brad) to play the young warrior.

As for who should play Teela, maybe Alicia Witt or Megan Fox? And lets be honest, Tom Selleck was born to play Man-At-Arms. As for Skeletor, my mind is drawing a complete blank. Perhaps they should just pull a “Darth Vader” and put some guy in a suit and have a really amazing voice actor pull off the performance? Hugo Weaving perhaps?

Anyway, lets hope that Prince Adam and his fellow Eternians get the royal treatment from Hollywood. I don’t think I can bear to see this franchise get steam-rolled again after that whole 1987 fiasco.

Dark Shadows

As you probably know by now, director Tim Burton will be collaborating with Johnny Depp and writer John August to bring the cult television show, “Dark Shadows,” to the big screen.

If you’re not familiar with the show, “Dark Shadows” was a Gothic soap opera that aired in the late ‘60s and early ‘70s. The series centered on vampire Barnabas Collins and featured werewolves, ghosts, zombies, mad scientists, witches, warlocks, time travel, and a parallel universe to top it all off.

If you ask me, Burton is a great, albeit predictable, choice to direct “Dark Shadows.” His gothic sensibilities and artistic design seem like the perfect fit for the dreary atmosphere of “Dark Shadows.”

John August, who has written the screenplays for “Big Fish,” “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” and “Corpse Bride,” also seems like a good choice. Burton surrounds himself with people of like minds, and after working so much with August already, I have a feeling “Dark Shadows” will be one of Burton’s best collaborations.

It’s highly speculated, though not entirely confirmed, that Johnny Depp will be playing the lead role of Barnabas Collins, but I wonder who else will join the cast. I wouldn’t be surprised if Helena Bonham Carter, who starred most recently in “Sweeney Todd” with Depp, popped up somewhere – along with the rest of Burton’s recurring actors.

And is it too early to bet that Danny Elfman will be providing the score? And is it too much to ask for a sequel to “Beetlejuice” already? C’mon – what else is Michael Keaton doing?

“The Strangers” Review Lock the door and pretend you're safe.

"The film you are about to see is inspired by true events.”

You know what that means? It means a few things, actually. First, it means the events you are about to see depicted on celluloid didn’t happen at all – at least not as one inclusive story. The film you are about to see may contain an amalgam of factual events, while offering several stylized and completely fictional scenes that the filmmaker has chosen to enhance the story and make those true events even more frightening.

It’s a great marketing tool that several classic films have used, such as “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” While Leatherface didn’t go on a killing spree in Texas with his signature chainsaw, real killers such as Ed Gein and Charles Manson inspired his blood-splattered cinematic debut.

This is the case with writer/director Bryan Bertino’s feature film, “The Strangers,” a truly terrifying film starring Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman. In the vein of John Larroquette’s iconic narration of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” “The Strangers” opens with a similar, unsettling advisory:

“According to the F.B.I. there are an estimated 1.4 million violent crimes in America each year. On the night of February 11, 2005 Kristen McKay and James Hoyt went to a friend's wedding reception and returned to the Hoyt family's summer home. The brutal events that took place there are still not entirely known."

The film’s premise is, in fact, inspired by a ‘true event’ from Bryan Bertino’s childhood, where a stranger came to his home asking for someone. Later, he found out that empty homes in the neighborhood had been robbed. With that memory in mind, Bertino created his debut screenplay, which also borrows from elements of the Charles Manson murders.

Soon after that disquieting advisory, we are introduced to Kristen McKay (Liv Tyler) and James Hoyt (Scott Speedman), a young couple who have just pulled up to the Hoyt summer home. It’s idyllic and isolated, perfect for a romantic getaway. As the opening stated, the couple just spent the evening at a friend’s wedding reception, which prompted James to pop the question to his girl right then and there.

The result, however, wasn’t as planned. Kristen crushed James’s dreams when she confessed marriage wasn’t in the cards just yet. You get the idea that the car ride from the reception to the Hoyt summer home wasn’t a pleasant one. James is frustrated and Kristen is beautifully broken with tears (and mascara) running down her cheeks as they pull in the driveway.

After coming to an amicable resolution about what to do with the rest of the weekend, Kristen takes a bath while James loosens his tie and drowns his sorrows with ice cream. After she finishes her bath, Kristen joins James in the kitchen where their conversation is interrupted by a knock on the door. It’s 4:05 a.m. and they’re in the middle of nowhere, who could be on the other side of the door?

James reluctantly answers the door only to find a young blonde teenaged girl who simply asks, “Is Tamara there?” James explains that she must have the wrong house, and that Tamara isn’t there. The girl asks, “Are you sure?” and it’s at this moment that you know something isn’t quite right.

After calming down from the slightly creepy incident that just happened, James runs to the store to get some cigarettes for Kristen, as she can’t sleep without them. Kristen is left in a home all alone, and is startled once again by a knock on the door. Kristen doesn’t dare open it, but asks, “Who is it?” The reply is, “Is Tamara there?”

The chills start their slalom up and down my spine. It’s at this moment where I said to myself, “It’s just a movie.” I tried to force this realization into my brain, along with the facts about ‘true events’ but was unable to resist being fully engrossed by the film’s excruciatingly ambient atmosphere.

James eventually returns to the house with cigarettes in hand to find Kristen in a panicked state. She explains to James that someone must be in the house and that strange girl asking for Tamara visited her once more.

Unfortunately for James and Kristen, the knocks at the door and strange noises outside are only the beginning. We soon learn that two other strangers who insist on wearing strange masks join the girl. One, a young woman, is decked out in a “Pinup Girl” mask while the man, complete with suit and tie, is wearing a burlap bag over his head.

The events that follow, while not entirely true, are completely terrifying. I haven’t been this truly scared (and satisfied) with a horror movie since I was just a kid, watching movies I wasn’t allowed to see late at night on cable.

Though this is his first full-length feature, Bertino masterfully uses atmosphere, and ambient sound to create a tangible sense of fear. The deliberate stillness and silence of the film heightens the thunderous knocks and slamming doors. The pacing builds in conjunction with the suspense, elevating the watcher to a whole new level of horror. “The Strangers” isn’t that original. It feels a lot like John Carpenter’s “Halloween” and the aforementioned "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and most recently "Funny Games." There are a lot of horror clichés peppered throughout the film, like a girl grabbing a butcher knife from the kitchen drawer, but each one is done so well it feels less formulaic and more like an homage.

Despite its inherent inspiration from true events and those old horror classics, “The Strangers” is a masterful exercise in creating fear with nothing more than atmosphere. There are no cheap tricks in this movie, and Bertino goes to great lengths to make you care for the characters and keep you involved with the peril playing out on the screen.

Throughout my viewing experience of “The Strangers,” screams and gasps littered the theater like bits of buttered popcorn stuck to the floor. Every bone in my left hand was pulverized to dust as my girlfriend, who isn’t so fond of horror movies, proceeded to squeeze my hand without mercy throughout every scene.

I certainly recommend “The Strangers” for anyone in search of a good scare, and especially those horror lovers out there. It’s a real horror film, and the scariest thing is that there aren’t more of these movies anymore. We’re too busy overdosing audiences with buckets of blood and gore and cutting corners around storytelling and suspense.

4 stars (out of 5) Haphazard Rants

What the HELL is going on with the movie industry when we have to resort to making movies based solely upon board games? I mean honestly, “Clue” was hilarious – but that is the only exception. We’ve already experienced films about fictional, magical board games like “Jumanji” and “Zathura,” but now we actually have to succumb to the biggest example of product placement ever?

Why exactly do we need full-length theatrical films for Oujia Board, Monopoly, Trivial Pursuit, and Candy Land? And don’t even get me started on a possible remake of “Clue,” that would be downright blasphemous.

I can see “Candy Land” being a sugary, sweet kid’s movie but beyond that, haven’t we seen the Oujia Board used in a ton of movies already, and isn’t “There Will Be Blood” an artistic interpretation of Monopoly?

Why do movie executives think this will actually sell? Playing Monopoly is like a five-hour tour through hell, who wants to experience that in the cinema? Speaking of stupid ideas, did you see that Bruce Willis has signed on to play Kane in the “Kane and Lynch” movie? What’s that? You’ve never heard of “Kane and Lynch?” Well, that’s because it’s a lackluster, third-rate video game that doesn’t even deserve the option of a film adaptation. What are you thinkin’ Willis, First “Live Free or Die Hard” and now this?

“Transformers 2” has received it’s official title. Producer Don Murphy has confirmed the official title for the film will be "Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen." According to this site, “Speed Racer” editor Roger Barton will cut the film, Barton previously edited Michael Bay's “The Island,” “Bad Boys II,” “Pearl Harbor” and “Gone in 60 Seconds”, and co-edited George Lucas' “Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith.”

“Revenge of the Fallen,” eh? Well, I guess it could be worse. “Transformers 2: Electric Boogaloo” does have a catch ring to it, doesn’t it? I can only imagine the “fallen” in question is Megatron, who will be coming back in a big way to kick the Autobots’ asses. It’s hard to tell with Michael Bay’s misinformation campaign though, I like to believe that Soundwave will be in the film – but maybe it’s all a big ploy to get me into the theater, only to show me another Mountain Dew machine or an Xbox 360 that gets transformed.

Did You Know?

During the production of “Star Wars,” George Lucas and his production team had a series of running battles with the studio cleaning service, which would continually clean and buff the floors on set, even though Lucas had requested that they leave them scuffed and dull - part of his idea that the world the characters inhabit should look "lived in".

In Tim Burton’s 1989 classic, “Batman,” the plastic surgeon's ghastly surgical tools are originally from another Warner Brothers production, 1986’s “Little Shop of Horrors.” They were the dentist tools owned by Orin Scrivello (Steve Martin).

On the hit television show “Lost,” Michael Keaton was considered for the part of Jack Shephard, under the assumption that it would be a guest starring role and not a recurring character. Had Keaton played Jack, he would have been killed off in the pilot episode.

Recommendations

Do yourself a favor and start reading anything by David Sedaris that you can get your hands on. His new book, When You’re Engulfed in Flames, can be found at Barnes & Noble Booksellers.

Get yourself familiar with the latest incarnation of “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe” by picking up the 2002-2003 animated series on Amazon.com. Two volumes are currently available for purchase, with Volume 3 coming in August.

Check out the trailer for the steroid documentary, “Bigger, Stronger, Faster” by director Chris Bell. Interestingly enough, Bell worked as a writer on WWF’s “Monday Night Raw.” This looks like an awesome little film and you should definitely check it out!

And finally, I must plug my favorite band of all time. Less Than Jake has a new album coming out June 24, and it’s a pretty big deal. “GNV FLA” will be a return to Less Than Jake’s ska-punk roots and if you head over to their official site, you can check out a song from the upcoming album, “Does the Lion City Still Roar?”