Bob Hoskins, John Leguizamo, Dennis Hopper, Samantha Mathis

Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo play greasy plumbers who enter a cosmic dystopia run by a loopy mad-man named King Koopa (Dennis Hopper). A fight ensues. A woman screams. A Pop music track plays over the end credits. Go Home.

I still remember going to see “Super Mario Bros” at an early session at the old Hoyts Mid City here in Melbourne. Must've been about fifteen years ago – back when I didn't know any better than to waste ten bucks (or however much it cost in 1993 to go to a movie) on films that were reportedly – granted, back then there was no such thing as the Internet, or if there was, we definitely weren't living on it every day getting the run-down on what upcoming films were going to be worth our time – as stinky as yesterday's socks (I went jogging).

The film should have worked – it was, after all, based on one of the world's most beloved video-game franchises. Back then, a video game cum film was a rare treat too – actually, I believe this was the first 'major' video-game cum movie - it's a wonder kids didn't rush out to see it anyway. But what happened, I'm guessing, is that the half-a-dozen youngsters that skipped school to see it on that Thursday went back to school with such frowns on their faces on the Friday that their schoolmates all canceled their plans to see it that weekend. I'm also pretty sure that renowned movie critic of the time, Ivan Hutchison, slammed it in the paper – so the adults no doubt kindly informed their kids that their pocket money might be better served buying a new Transformer that week. I, on the other hand, went to it 'first thing' on the Thursday – the very first session – and therefore didn't give anyone the opportunity to steer me away from it.

You know what though? It was good that I did go that morning – not because it was a great movie, and not because the girl in the row next to me decided she wanted to return home that day with pash rash, but because those chairs were so darn comfortable that I got the best sleep I'd had in months. I must have been absolutely exhausted, because all I remember about the film was waking up throughout in brief intervals – I'd stay awake long enough for one of the plumbers to throw something at Dennis Hopper and then, wham! I was back to sleep again - I'd say by half-way through I was in a deep slumber. It was only when the Roxette song, at the end of the film, came on that I woke up. If they didn't play music movie ten times louder than the soundtrack to the film itself I'd have been waken by a pimply-faced teenager as he tried to retract the empty coke bottle from under my ass.

With the film's arrival on DVD, I get to see what I missed – and I tell ya, it ain't much. This is a mess of a movie – another one of those occurrences where the producers assumed the “kids will come anyway, don't need to worry so much about the script”. The effects are dodgy, the actors look bored (Dennis Hopper probably thought he was still mid-way through a trip) and for what it's worth, it had nothing to do with the video-game (did the producers even play the video-game?!).

In an interview last year with The Guardian, Bob Hoskins said : “"The worst thing I ever did? Super Mario Bros. It was a nightmare. The whole experience was a nightmare. It had a husband-and-wife team directing, whose arrogance had been mistaken for talent. After so many weeks their own agent told them to get off the set! Fuckin' nightmare. Fuckin' idiots.”

He's probably not wrong – this makes “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” look like “Ben-Hur”.

The DVD is worth checking out though, if you haven't seen it, for the camp value of the movie – it's like watching a speculator car crash unfold right before your eyes.... one in which no one comes out unharmed.

Rating :
Reviewer : Clint Morris